On Being Kind

385221_10200502458310582_1874328871_n

Right after realizing that what I really want to work on is actually liking myself, one of my high school friends posted this quote.  And…right?  I mean, really, right?!  (Side note, I am apparently the target demographic for every motivation quote you see on FB and Pinterest.  Awesome.)

Again, though, so much easier said than done.  I really am trying to bring my awareness to the ways I am unkind to myself lately.  And there are just so many of them.  Posie woke me up (several) times last night and I had the hardest time getting back to sleep (Insomnia – the best pregnancy symptom!)  I lay there just working myself into such a state of anxiety?  Were those cramps I felt signs of miscarriage?  I certainly shouldn’t just be happy and enjoy however long this lasts.  The anticipation.  The hope and excitement.  Don’t allow that until it’s for sure real.  Eventually I caught myself and tried to speak as a friend: let this go, it doesn’t serve you.  Be happy.  Enjoy.  And just like that, I was out.

It’s hard for me to know exactly where the balance lies though.  After a night of fitful sleep, coupled with strong morning sickness it was an effort to get to the gym today.  Especially since I’ve never been active through my previous pregnancies – no matter what this is new and a little anxiety ridden.  But, I got there.  And damned if I didn’t have a great workout.  Where I’ve been consistently losing some strength, today was the first time in over a month I’ve added to my PRs – complete with good form.  I felt strong.  And went back to work with extra spring in my step.

So…being kind?  Is it in the moment?  Or in what you know will help you long term?  I think maybe it’s in expectation setting.  Where my goals in the gym historically been about going as fast and as hard as I possible can, maybe for the next little while it’s about showing up.  And while exhausted and not wanting to put forth effort, maybe the kind thing in this space is also to show up.

Perhaps being kind is about being flexible to where you are.  And forgiving of that place.